The Two Towers diaries
by Dedae
Summary: Be FORWARNED! It may ruin for those who haven't read or seen the movie! COMPLETE
1. Default Chapter

_O.K…be nice to my story…I am aware that they're diary entries… promise that they will be longer and funnier!_

_Note: The following entries, are based in The Two Towers!_

_Be forwarned! It may spoil things…so don't sue me!!!!_

_Disclaimer: If you believe that I own LOTR…check yourself in a mental institution! Please call: 1-800-IBELIEVETARABRETHILOWNSLOTR._

The very secretive book of Aragorn, son of Arathorn 

        Lost count of days… Day 1 (again!)

While Legolas and Gimli followed me, I tripped and hit my head on a rock… ow! *&%$! Unfortunately, they fall as well… is it just me, or are they playing "follow the leader"? You guys, I'm not King yet! Ow! Legolas is freaking out, complains that the moss in his hair is making him go bald…now that I've got to see! Gimli is starting to annoy me, says that his hair is the best between all three of us. Sorry to decline you Master Dwarf, but I think that it will be me…as soon as Legolas goes bald! HA!HA!HA!HA!HA!HA!HA! 

I crack myself up!

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The very confidential flower diary of Legolas, son of Thronduil

        Day… 1!

Eeek! I'm going bald! Hmm…thinking of having a mohawk…Aah! Going bald! Don't want to look like orcs! Ran out of Secret Platinum Protection! Oh well… Aragorn said that he'll give me his extra Degree deoderant. Gimli freaks me out…redid his chunky braids…they look more pretty now…he now looks like a she-dwarf! Can't wait to see him wake up! Gimli very unsanitary, doesn't know what the hell is a deoderant…where have you been living? Oh wait! Under many boulders! HA!HA!HA!

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The extremely ruined and dusty notebook of gimli, son of Gloin

God knows how many days…Fine!

Day 1

Bashed my head on  rock,"following the leader" is a hard game to play! Woke up…good grief! Who fixed my braids! "Not me." muttered Aragorn…saw the Elf put away his mirror…then whacked him on the head with the flat edge of my axe! Aragorn still looks morose after that Minas Tirith dude died…what the #$%^ is that guy's name…Borrowme? Boneheadmir? Darn it! Anyways, didn't those guys hate each other or something? Hmm…noticed strands of blond hair on the ground. Suddenly realize that Legolas is bald…YES! I won the competition of the longest hair! WHOOO! Victory is as precious as a rare diamond! Aragorn is staring at me oddly…what?


	2. Day 23 an exhausting tale

YAY! I love what I'm doing.no reviews yet.I'll continue! Soon going to do Gandalf's.then Arwen.then Eowyn.maybe Elrond! Give me ideas on who and what I should do. TA!  
  
Disclaimer: I own LOTR?! Since when!!!!????  
  
The very-secretive-and-yet-nobody-knows-about-it book of Aragorn, son of Arathorn  
  
Day 2  
  
Still no sign of Merry + Pippin.a twig! They went that way! Legolas the bald and Gimli the @$$hole looked at me.what? Nobody understands you when you're a Ranger. &*^% people.I'm doing my best! Suddenly, men on horses surround us.I speak in Elvish.Legolas laughs.told him to shut up.spoke in English.finally they understood me. They explain that they chased orcs.@#$%! That éomer guy told me to take a chill pill! I can't because I'm depressed about that Minas Tirith dude's death and I haven't zzzzzzzz.  
  
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The very-confidential-and-yet-somehow-Gimli-knows flower diary of Legolas, son of Thronduil  
  
Day 2  
  
Laughed at Aragorn.told me to shut up. He was actually saying that their mothers screwed Saruman the White.now that's gross! I've got to think of other things than me being bald.wait a minute! I'M BALD!?!?!?! AAAGH!!!! Saw a shadow lurking nearby.hmm.I wonder if I should tell Aragorn that the lurking shadow is Arwen.plan to flirt with her.but.I'm bald! Those men from Rohan are either gay or they were smirking at me for some absurd reason, haven't they ever seen a bald elf?! Hmph! Must make a potion able to make my hair grow back. Thinking and rethinking of doing a mohawk.still stumped. I'll think about it later.  
  
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The very-distinguishable-and-yet-nobody-gives-a-damn-extremely ruined and dusty notebook of Gimli, son of Gloin  
  
Day 2  
  
The bald elf is pondering of something.ah well! I don't really give a damn! Aragorn is dozing off now, before he seemed to have caught a glimpse of something in the forest. I still hear him talking in his sleep.something about how he called Arwen Tuniviel or something like that.anyways I thought that he was loner.it appears that I was wrong.he's a really annoying and arrogant loner! Still thinking of that Minas Tirith dude's name.Boneheadmir?.Borrowme?.BoroAAAAH! I SAT ON A NEEDLE AAAGH! MY ASS! MY ASS! AND SOMEHOW I'M STILL WRITING! MY ASS! MY ASS!  
  
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The still-secretive book of Aragorn, son of Arathorn  
  
Day 3 Woke up peacefully, Gimli staring at me holding a needle.I jump with joy! She has come! Undomiel has come! I grab the needle which has a note. Master Dwarf tried to reade the letter, but he said that it was all Elvish to him.umm.it IS Elvish you @$$hole!!! It was clearly written:  
  
To my Estel, I have searched for you, fortunately, I followed the trace of the orc corpses. I cannot show myself to you, for I fear that Legolas might try to flirt with me! But don't be surprised that you may possibly find me after nightfall.I hope that you didn't lose that pendant! Recover strength and do not fear. My love to you forever, Arwen P.S. Legolas has a flower diary!  
  
(Sigh) When will Arwen stop.WHAT! Legolas has a flower diary?! And I gave that guy my extra Degree deoderant! What the?! Excuse Aragorn.he has.an important meeting with me. ~A  
  
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The everybody-knows-for-some-unexplained-reason-and-yet-Legolas-knows-that- everybody-knows flower diary of Legolas, son of Thronduil  
  
Day 3  
  
I saw an odd shadow.must hurry to make a potion to grow my hair back! I wonder which cologne Arwen prefers.checked Aragorn's.Water of Bree.Weathertop smell.and.Water of Sweat and Grease! Ew! Yuck! Gross! I cannot work with this people!!! I guess that I'll use my Water of Beautifullness by Legolas. Suddenly realize that Aragorn isn't around.hmm.either he's in the boy's washroom or he's scavenging for another twig! Gimli breathing loudly.POOF! It's happening! My hair's growing back! YAY! TRALALALALALALALALALALALALALALALALALALALALALALALALALALALALALALALALALALALALAL ALALALALALALALALALAL  
  
¤¤¤¤ ¤¤¤¤¤ ¤¤¤¤ ¤¤¤¤¤ ¤¤¤¤ ¤¤¤¤¤ ¤¤¤¤ ¤¤¤¤¤ The extremely-dusty-and-don't-forget-extremely-ruined notebook of Gimli, son of Gloin  
  
Day 3 Too pissed off to write.OUCH!  
  
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The continuation of the still-secretive book of Aragorn, son of Arathorn  
  
Day 3.later!  
  
WOW! That was amazing.er.I mean what happened was um.Arwen and I discussed about what happened.since we missed each other.I made tea by using the athelas plant.very relaxing herb I must say.but that's what happened.HONEST! (crosses fingers) *Grins* O.K.! You want the truth?.I'll tell you tomorrow!  
  
I know.this one was too long.but I have to study.Christmas Exams.just like my friend Indigo Star.try to write another day during the week-end.and don't forget.The Two Towers December 18th, 2002! Don't miss it! I know I won't! Happy Holidays! TA! (Runs in the forest and starts to sing in Elvish) 


	3. Day 4

_Hiya! Hello peoplez! Stridyface is back! (glares at Indigo Star) I realized that the 2nd chapter is a bit messed up...I'll leave it! This chapter is going to occupy you guys while I study(I hope!) I have full of ideas about X-mas...very odd ones I must admit!_

_Disclaimer: If I did own LOTR, I would make Gimli die and I wouldn't be so freakin' buried in all these books to study for!_

The I-guess-nobody-still-knows-that-I-have-a-freakin'-very-secretive book of Aragorn, son of Arathorn _(did you notice, the diary's name gets longer every day?)_

Day 4

I promised to write about last night, well, we walked around holding hands…hers were really cold! We dyed Legolas' hair black, gave Gimli a perm (wasn't my idea!), drank tea by using _athelas _, looked at the barren waste lands, promised to be alive and become king…tried finding names for our children…when the time comes…which is really soon by the look in Arwen's eyes. Hmm…my son's name should be like Elendil except El-something…haven't got a clue! And when I told her that, she told me to shut up and she kissed me…I was stunned…dunno why, she always did that in Rivendell…she kissed me again…and again…and again and she exasperated, "Aragorn!" told her sorry…she kissed me again and Arwen started to scowl like her father, who is my foster father! "Aragorn, son of Arathorn! I cannot believe that I ran away from my father and almost fell in a puddle of mud on my way here and I come here to see you and kiss you numerous times and all I freakin' get is-" that was when I kissed her, why? I wanted her to shut the bloody hell up! And of course she was scaring the butterflies that were flying above us…and oddly enough…she looked at me, as if she was angry. Arwen knew that something was wrong…"Aragorn, why do you look saddened? You used to be relaxed and now you're not. Death on Boromir has weakened you." And I assured her that it didn't. Stupid Boromir! If he didn't die, Arwen and I would have made-out…so we decided to sleep under a tree. When I woke up…when Gimli and Legolas found me…they glare at me…"Er…What up?" The dwarf had the pleasure of giving me a black-eye…ow! Where's Arwen?! Grrr…

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The almost-finished flower diary of Legolas, son of Thronduil _(aren't you glad that it wasn't long?)_

Day 4

AHH! My beautiful blond hair is now black! AAAAGH! Why my hair?! HAHAHAHA! Gimli has a perm! Now he really looks like a she-dwarf! Who's the sissy now,eh? Found Aragorn in forest…why is he smiling? POW! Gimli gives him a black-eye…HI!HI! I'm still the hottest guy! Aragorn runs around the forest…searching another twig again? Don't think that he's aware of Gimli swinging and chasing him with his axe…I'm just sitting writing in my diary now…oops! Shouldn't have written that! 

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The completely-messed-up-stupid notebook of Gimli, son of Gloin

Day 4

Too busy to write, swinging my axe and chasing Isildur's Heir!

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The prettiful-and-yet-somehow-dad-reads-it diary of Arwen, daughter of Elrond

Day 4

I'm planning to prank Aragorn…still haven't thought about it though! Frustrated…couldn't make-out with him…stupid Boromir! If that imbecile didn't die, Aragorn and I would have made-out but nooooo! Yay! My scar is fully healed…Aragorn used to just stare at it in disgust…he thought that I slept with the Steward of Gondor's son and that he cut me…ew! Plan to follow the fellowship dudes…Uh oh! I hear daddy Elrond scowling all the way from Rivendell…hmm…I guess that he just found about my escape. Apparently, Legolas is almost finishing his flower diary…(sigh) when will I ever stop gossiping! 

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_Like before...I wish you guys A Merry(not the hobbit!) Christmas...a Happy New Year and don't forget! The Two towers December 18th, 2002 the fellowship (remaining) would continue their desperate journey! TA! (Runs back into the forest) "Wait! Wait for me! I want to join the fellowship! I could replace Boromir! I'm from Gondor! I could represent the White City! I could represent the White City! Wait up!" The dwarf, elf and man look at the 13 year old and seem surprised._


	4. Day 5

_HI!HI!HI! Deck the halls with humungous oliphaunts fa la la la la la la la la! __Sorry! So much into the joy of Christmas…and LOTR! This one is very special- preciousssss… hum? Gollum is lurking nearby…So please enjoy this… _

_Disclaimer: If I did own LOTR…I would be freakin' rich…and freaking out!_

Just-very-secretive book of Aragorn, son of Arathorn(_yes! It's short!)_

Day 5

We have given up hope on Merry and Pippin…wait! I didn't mean that!!!!! I meant that yes we found an elven brooch…but we don't know if the "little ones" as Boromir quotes(rolls eyes then sighs) are still alive. But I do believe that they are alive! HS! I don't want to get blamed for their deaths too! _Athelas! _My new swear word…Arwen appreciates me the way I am, but she just can't stand me swearing! _"Aragorn…I love you because you don't pollute the environment…and because you don't waste water since you take a shower only twice a month. I value you for your ruggedness and for your unique care…but I am deeply disturbed when you curse!" _(sigh) I detest when she verbalizes like her father…gratefully I don't converse like Arwen…uh oh! I told Legolas and Gimli that I found something interesting…no not a cave!(Gimli)…no not a blow-drier!(Legolas)…no not a cave!(Gimli)…no not shampoo!(Legolas)…no not a she-dwarf! YUCK!(Gimli)…no not conditioner!(Legolas)…no not a cave!(Gimli)…no not Arwen(Legolas)…Hey!!!! IT'S AN ELVEN BROOCH FROM LOTHLORIEN!!!!!!!!!!!! CAN'T YOU NOT THINK OF YOURSELVES!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!   

The very-long-ago-and-somehow-there-are-many-pages-left diary of Elrond, father of Arwen

Day 5

(Scowls) Arwen has escaped the guards somehow…note to self: never hire elves or men to guard Arwen's chamber or the hallways…their hearts appear easily corrupted hump! Not surprised about the men though! Arwen left a note:

  _Dearest Tinuviel,_

_Long have I searched for Merry and Pippin with Gimli and Legolas and I think of you. Please do not come and search for me, for it is far too risky since Gimli and Legolas are starting to communicate since the Council was held. Something might start with those two and it will infect my eyes for sure. Please don't come and ruin yours! AAAGH! They're holding…HANDS!!! I shan't tolerate this anymore! Just hurry and come and be careful! Before I catch this monstrosity!! _

_                    Love,_

_                             Estel         xoxo (don't know why…just wanted to!)_

(crumbles paper and smoke comes out of his ears) GRR…how dare he write such a thing to my daughter…I am outraged! I have clearly raised him like Elladan and Elrohir and none of them have this behavior! Humph! Besides that! He clearly wrote with his left…he always does that to irritate me! When he writes left, he writes small! I can't tolerate small hand-writing! I am going to Rohan and ground Arwen and drag Aragorn by the ear…(sigh) I have to talk to him again about the size of Aragorn's brain…it's far too small to content my daughter! Guards!!!! (drops book on the floor and scowls in Elvish and carries it with him).

The diary that-is-odd of Pippin

Day 5

Waaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaah!!!! I want Strider to save me! AND Merry! The Uruk-Hai's are mean and nasty! Aye! I wish that I were back in the Shire flirting with Rosie…Sam still doesn't know! Sssssh! Can't smoke any weed…figures! Aye! Barely any weed left around here! I wonder if Strider has any? Whoooooo! Getting suffocated by Merry! Aye! Since we've been captured, Merry has been gassy! Passing out now…zzzzzzzz

The foul-smelling diary of Merry

Day 5

Pippin passed out…damn! It's been the fourth time he's been doing that! I hope that it's not because of my smell lately…beats Strider's greasy hair and Gimli's disturbing perspiration! I want to go back in the Shire and flirt with Rosie…Sam doesn't know! Sssssh! Oh no! Not another…blah!!!!!! I hate these drinks! This is not ale!!!! This is…(rolls eyes then passes out)…

One more day until freedom! Then I could type all these stories up!!!!! Hmmmm…must study again! Ciao!

_Tarabrethil  ¤¤¤¤¤¤¤¤¤¤¤_


	5. Day 6 and 7

Hello! More time typing…freedom!!!! O.K.! I'm now ready to party, type…type and ummm… TYPE! Now where did Sméagol go? (Walks around with a sword in hand and hair is dripping because of rain). 

_Disclaimer: If I owned LOTR, Peter Jackson would have notified me BEFORE he started filming!!!!_

The la-di-da-super-neat diary of Frodo, son of…(whatever!) 

Day 6 

I want my blanket! I miss the Shire so much…I miss flirting with Rosie! Sam still doesn't know! Sssssh! He's such a stupid head with those pans. Heloooooo! Sam you're not the Naked Chef! Sam going all therapist-like on me…(sigh!) when will he get it in his stupid head that he is not Dr. Phil!!!!! Beeeeh! Humungous Oliphaunts! Move Sam you stupid head! Oh no! We're surrounded by men! AAAAGH!

The…whatever diary of Sam, son of…(whatever! Hamfast????)

Day 6

In the name of Shire! What the hell is wrong with Frodo? I try communicating with him by asking personal and psychological questions. What is wrong? (Flips through his book of Dr. Phil and reads a chapter) Chapter Seven: Learning other people's problem (Note: don't jump to psychological and/or personal questions…or else you're a stupid head who follows some dumb quest and who is in a desperate situation and just reads this stupid head book that is just crap!) (Tosses book) Useless! (Ground shaking) My pans!!! An Oliphaunt!!!! Frodo! Master Frodo! I saw an…oh my dear Rosie Cotton! (from his pouch he takes out a flag which is white) In the name of the Shire would somebody please tell me what the bloody hell is happening?! 

The also-whatever diary of Meriadoc of the Shire.

Day 6

Woke up and saw a huge talking tree! Holy sh--! (Passes out again!)

The diary of Peregrin of the Shire.

Day 6

Got up because I heard Merry yelling and thump again to the ground. A talking tree saved us…Treebeard eh? Aye! You remind me of my Aunty…long beard…odd…but she's in Scotland now…oops!

The White diary of Gandalf the White.

Day 7

I'M ALIVE!!!! ( Puts on Céline Dion's new CD "A NEW DAY HAS COME" and starts singing)

_When you call my name!_

_When you call my name!_

_I know that I'm aliiiiiiiive!_

(His voice echoes throughout the forest)

I think that Aragorn and the others heard me now! (Blushes like a school girl).

The Dull-green-secret boook of Aragorn.

Day 7

I heard an awful noise…not Nazgul…and yet worse than Legolas and Gimli holding hands! Thinking that its Céline Dion…oh crap! I mean _athelas!_ (Runs in the bushes) Céline should start her career as a Ringwraith! (shivers).

The Messed-up Hilroy copybook with the metal thing-a-majig on the side of Gimli.

Day 7

While skinning Rudolf and Prancer, I heard an awful voice…the one thing that brings fear in my heart and makes it sink like "Titanic" (*sniff* Poor Leo!!!! ) and that frightens the dwarves is…is…is…Céline Dion!!!! (drags the two reindeers into the bushes next to Aragorn who is smoking weed) Aragorn! You're giving smoke signals to Céline!!! You're such an @$$!!!! Didn't Arwen ever tell you not to smoke!!!??? We listen carefully to the sounds and we conclude that its Céline and Aragorn was wondering if he'd ask for an autograph…for Arwen he says…but he's blushing!!!!! Oh ya! The elf hottie passes by too! Did I say HOTTIE?????

The new diary of Legolas.

Day 7

Yay! I got a new diary! Aunt Helena …she sends me one every Christmas! Last one was a flower diary so now I AAAH! (Gets tripped by Aragorn and somehow Leggy falls on him. Aragorn pushes him aside.) What the hell are you guys doing here?!?!?!?!?! (Stares at his hands.) AAAAAGH! BLOOD! OH MY GOD GIMLI KILLED RUDOLF THE RED NOSE REINDEER AND PRANCER!!!!! (Sniffs around the air) Ew! I know what to get you for Christmas Aragorn! A Nicoderm box for you to stop smoking and…(voice muffled by Aragorn who covered Leggy's mouth with his reindeer blood soaked hand.) (Aragorn rolls eyes and gives Gimli a ticket for slaughtering magical animals without a permit and starts smoking again…what??? He's a RANGER!!!!)    

    


	6. Brief happenings

_Chapter 6…I saw the movie!!!!! Beware of bizarre happenings!_

_Disclaimer: If I owned LOTR…I'd cut all the kissing scenes in The Two Towers!!!_

The diary of Peregrin Took.

Day 8

IS it just me, or did I see good ol' Butterbur walking around dragging a big red sleigh? ALE!!!! (Charges towards the figure)

The diary of Meriadoc Brandybuck 

Day 8

Highlights? Pippin attacked Santa!!!! Unless if he thought that it was good ol' Butterbur and wanted some ale and mistaken, then that's another story! I think that Pippin thinks that Santa is Butterbur and he's hallucinating and is thinking of ale! HA!HA!HA! (laughs hysterically and falls to the ground) He's getting coal this year for doing that!!! HA!HA!HA!

The magical red/green book of Santa.

Day 8

Peregrin! I'm not Butterbur!!! AAAAGH! Where's Rudolf…Prancer?

Hmm…note to self…add Meriadoc in the bad list…then again…AAAAGH!!!!!!!! 

Day 8 (later…FINALLY!)

Can't…take…it…any…more! (collapses to the ground)

Merry: Oh my god! You *beep*! You killed Santa! Uh…I think!

Pipppin: (Gulp) WHAT!?

Merry: Wait till Treebeard hears about this!!!!!

The wooden and green book of Treebeard the Ent.

Day 8

_HOOM! _I believe the two hobbits now…they made Santa pass out… Orcs would sit on his lap and babble about all the toys and armour they want! _HOOM! _Discussed with the Ents and we are not going to war! Merry and Pippin are outraged…they want to go to Isengard! Are these dudes nuts!?!?!?!?!

The diary of Aragorn.(_finally he admits it!!_)

Day 8

We followed Merry and Pippin's tracks…INTO FANGORN!!!!???? So we ate burgers instead…mmm…deer meat is good! Legolas! Pass me the relish!!! Later on, we ventured hmm…unusual foot prints…size 43!!!! Don't want to be reminded of my age!!! A white wizard is behind us…SARUMAN!!!! ATTACK!!! Oops! Yelled in Elvish! Gimli all confused and finally understands! Legolas aims wrong…_athelas! _Gimli tosses his axe and bounces back…(sigh!) I grasp at the hilt of my sword… IT BURNS!!! It falls on my foot! @#$%! *&^%#! Who are you? Show us who you are!!!!! WHAT!!! IMPOSSIBLE!!! You fell!!! Gandalf!!!!! YOU'RE BACK!!!!!! I CAN'T BELIEVE IT!!!!!

The white sparkly diary of Gandalf…The White.

Day 8

Made my big come back…reassured them that Merry and Pippin are o.k. We left the forest and we are now going to Edoras! It is good to see everyone…Aragorn…terrible and rugged as usual…Legolas…still looking superior…Gimli…uh…whatever! We enter Edoras and I release King Théoden from the venoms of Worm-whatever-tongue! Aragorn and co. kick Rohan arse by occupying the guards as I release the old age from King Théoden. I kicked Saruman's @$$ and freed Théoden and we went to his son's grave. Eowyn seems to have a liking in Aragorn…poor him! Women these days seem to prefer men like him!

The book of Eowyn, daughter of Eomund.

Day 9

Holy sh--! He's hot…by the way it's not the Elf…the dwarf seems to like me…talks about the dwarves(women) he says that the women are often mistaken for men…Aragorn and I played a game of charades…women…with…BEARDS!!!!!!! That's the reason why they're mistaken…ew! We were under attack by orcs on humungous hyenas!!! I and the villagers of Edoras run for cover at Helm's Deep…wanted to fight…but nooooo! Uncle doesn't want me to! Very few came back…where's Lord Aragorn?

The Hilroy copybook of Gimli.

Day 9 

Fought Orcs on huge hyena like creatures…saw Aragorn being caught on the straps of one of the hyenas…he…he…he…fell off the cliff with it…I can't believe it!? OW!!!! Something bit my arse!!!! Hey you…stupid head hyena!!!!! We returned sadly, I explain to Eowyn…darn! I wanted to play a game of charades with her!!!!

The now blood-stained diary of Legolas.

Day 9

Beat Gimli in our game: let's-see-who-can-kill-the-most-butt-ugly-stupid-head-orcs by countless…twenty! Saw Aragorn fall off cliff…found his pendant…hmm…I'll keep it for him…nah! It's my precioussss…I should start acting…Sméagol is nicccce to hobbitssssss! I know that I rock!!!

        


	7. Day nove9 in Italian!

Peoplez…I give you the continuation from Day 9 !!!! (applauds and scowls) I am running out of ideas!!!! Give me some…whether you saw or didn't see the movie…your opinions matter!!!! I'm getting my hair cut TOMORROW!!!! And Indigo Star…PLEASE don't call me Viggo!!!!! I'm sorry for the last chapters to what happens to Aragorn…skip the Disclaimer!!!! That's a WARNING!

_Disclaimer: I don't own LOTR…why? I wouldn't let Aragorn fall off a cliff and into the waters with a hyena like creature bound to him by the wrist because of some bloody strap!!!_

Aragorn's diary 

Day 9 

Woke up from a dream…ARWEN! Woke up to find two mistletoes in my hair…ow! Can't get up…stupid head wounds since I fell off a cliff! YAY! My horse found me! GRR! STOP EATING MY HAIR!!!! HEY! The mistletoes are gone! So I left the stupid head shore which was covered by sharp pointy rocks…cuts on my arms…DAMN! I MEAN _ATHELAS!!!! _I climb the horse…forgot its name…off we went…back to Helm's Deep! Why do I suddenly feel like Maximus in the movie "Galdiator"? My head nodding as if I'm going to sleep…can't or else Arwen would be there kissing me…nothing wrong with that! It just kills me whenever I think or dream of her. WOAH!!! AN ARMY OF TEN THOUSAND ORCS!!!! They're heading for Helm's Deep! YAH! GO! GO! (Sighs) Right after you're finished eating grass! (Stares at the horse with exasperation)

Samwise Gamgee's Diary

Day 9

Frodo's going all cuckoo! (finger twirling in a circular motion at his head while rolling eyes and sticks out his tongue) Hope Frodo didn't see that! He's starting to trust that Sméagol thing…can't believe that it used to be a hobbit! Reminds me of Frodo when he'll be an "Age D' Or" guy…dentures…pills covering his table…grey hair or none at all! (A hobbit's worse nightmare!!) (shudders) Stinker…as I like to call Sméagol can't stop with his "s" and "c"…is he like a snake or something???!!! _Niccce hobbitsssss…_ he must have been a royal pain in the arse before he became like what he is now! Slimy skin…he must have rolled in the mud…wearing a thong which looks like one…which is really disturbing if you ask me…not that I look or anything! (blushes) (sighs) There he goes again!!!

Gollum's first diary

Day 9

Sméagol is niccce won't hurtsss hobbitsss. _NO! THEY TOOK THE PRECIOUS AND OUR UNDERWEAR TO MAKE FUN OF US! _No! That wassss the big mean nassssty hobbit! Masssster nicccce…Sméagol wouldn't hurtssss him! _IF WE WON'T KILL THEM WHO WILL? MAYBE SHE CAN DO IT! _Why do you ssssspeak better than poor old Sméagol? _WHAT DOES THAT HAVE DO TO WITH ANYTHING?! _Go away! F&*^ offssss! _WHAT!?!?!?!?!?!?! _F&*^ offssss! Sméagol wantsssss you to go awaysssss! _WHO TAUGHT YOU THAT!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?! _Niccce Massster who called the fat hobbit thatssss! Afterssss the fat one wonsssss the ssskinydipping contessssst. Sméagol be goodsss now go awaysssss!!!!

The yet-again-la-di-da-super-neat diary of Frodo

Day 9

Poor Sméagol…I SAW YOU SAMWISE GAMGEE!!!!!! YOU @$$HOLE!!!! He's such a stupid head! Am I the only one who is going to write that we're captives of Captain Faramir…that seems oddly familiar…"If only it were my brother instead who could have taken the counsel…not me!" Hey! That was Boromir who said that! HE HAS A BROTHER!!!!!!?????? Oops! I yelled a little too loud and now everybody's looking at me…um…What up? (grins)

The diary which is covered by prettiful horses of Eowyn.

Day 9

I saw a man on a horse coming towards Helm's Deep…(sigh) that looks like Lord Aragorn…LORD ARAGORN!!!!!! WHOHOOOO!!!!! Oops! Shouldn't have raised my arms high in the air like doing the wave and yelled whohoooo out loud! (blushes) The men are now looking at me…especially Master Dwarf…um…What up? I look back at the hot dude… DID I SAY HOT DUDE OUT LOUD?! Holy sh--! He looked at me…I'm thinking that he heard me! He comes in…looking all horrible…I go to him and ask "What up?"…he looks at me weird…sh--! DID I SAY WHAT UP!!!!!????? I MEANT WHAT'S UP!!!!! Crap! I said that out loud too! When will I ever shut my mouth?! He left me in my thoughts…I think when I startled him when I started to yell…he went and see King Théoden! (Sigh) I will get this right somehow!          


	8. More of Day 9 AAAH!

As before…I am sorry for the hints of the movie…but my summary says BE FOREWARNED it contains spoilers!!! And I still feel bad for those who have read it. I promise not to do that anymore…unless if it was unintentional like the last one…so please enjoy!

_Disclaimer: If I owned LOTR…I'd make Aragorn be related to Wolverine since they are unknown with their origins! Wouldn't it be just weird!!!!???? (grins mischievously)_

Day 9 _(I'm sorry…but let me just briefly summarize the afternoon and night…since everybody was busy burning Orc carcasses and counting numerous times the deaths!)_

Let's see…Aragorn enters the fortification and ties his shoelaces…his boots were getting repaired after his fall by Eowyn…who else? So he came in to see King Théoden in his "sneakers" which made a lot of noise and everyone was disturbed! Legolas remarked to him that he looked "terrible"…he finally notices!?!?!?! Aragorn told him to shut the bloody hell up…ya-di-ya-di-ya…imitating Legolas in an English accent…Gimli laughing his helmet off…chased it for half an hour. Aragorn tells Théo(not the amazingly hot Habs goalie!!!!)…about the ten thousand Orcs approaching Helm's Deep by nightfall…blah…blah…blah…Théo saying how he did that amazing save last season(oops! That's the goalie!)…Aragorn looking at him and saying that he's in the wrong studio and that the Gatorade commercial pretty much sucked. Then the other Théo resumed…where was I? Oh yes! Blah…blah…blah…saying that he was shaking in his space boots…these people are advanced!

Aragorn getting shafted by the King who said "And since when did I hear that Lord Aragorn ruled Rohan?" Aragorn getting pissed off…speechless. Théo really stubborn saying that Gondor won't listen and are slow-pokes…Boromir would have been turning red as Aragorn thought…Elves couldn't help since they always think of their own kin (whatever!)…Aragorn "HEY!"…Théo walking away…acting like a S.O.B which wouldn't be such a surprise…since Bernard Hill looks like a Jack Russell Terrier! Night comes and the army of Uruk-Hai stops in front of the fortification and start singing "People want to knoooow! Whooooooo we arrrrrrrrrrre! We are the Titans! Mighty! Mighty Titans!" and then Gimli rolled his eyes, since he couldn't see the army's corny dance. Before the war started, Elrond had a bad dream where Galadriel told him to get off his arse and send an army of Elves towards Helm's Deep. Thus, in half an hour, Haldir was sent with an army and arrived in no time…dunno how though! So Gimli was surrounded by Elves and he was the shortest one of the entire wall! When everything was silent…a man from Rohan sneezed and an Urk-Hai received an asthma attack by the sudden sneeze and died. The war had begun.

   A lot of blood…many slipped on it of course and had many pleasant dreams as the others fought. Aragorn slipped a couple of times…still had his "sneakers" on. Eowyn didn't finish, since she had tried to persuade uncle Théo(nope still not the hot goalie) to fight with the men and Elves. Yet again, she had to stay with the women and small children. Yells, shouts, people crying for their mommies…and yet their mothers were safe in the shelter of Helm's Deep. Uruk-Hai placed two spiky bombs and Aragorn getting all pissed off at Legolas telling him to kill the Uruk-Hai who was igniting the bombs…the Orc fell and into the bombs…causing a big explosion of candy…since when was Helm's Deep a piñata? Many are dead both men and orcs because of the explosion…orcs running around grabbing candy and come back to their senses when a dwarf had been tossed and the Elves laughed and resumed to fight. Then Aragorn and Gimli taunt the Uruk-Hai by dressing up like women and whacking them on the head with their weapons. Of course, the men and elves were humored and Gimli turned pink as a little school girl as Legolas remarked. King Théoden having enough of the mockery told Aragorn and Gimli to get back inside the fortification. Nothing else but fighting is happening. Finally, when light draws near, Aragorn remembers what Gandalf said. "Look for me on the new day, in the East".

When Aragorn looked at the West…I mean East, he saw the sun…or was it this big white light. And the Orcs wondered, "Santa?"…Gandalf who was outraged, blinded them all…luckily, all of the Elves and men brought shades and were protected. Eomer and the other Rohirrim with Gandalf charge at the blinded Uruk-Hai and…well…you know! The Uruk-Hai are defeated, the mothers and soldiers are releaved. Aragorn saddened that Haldir died but knew that he fought bravely and remembered the "hug" that he gave to him. It was a hell of a night! 

That is all I remember about the fight…I hope that I didn't disappoint you all…the rest will be a lot easier…TA!

           __


	9. Odd diaries and summaries

Ēomer prevented me from deleting this fic…so I dedicate this one to him…her…him…whatever!

_Disclaimer: If you guys still do believe, please check your self voluntarily at a lunatic asylum. _

_          Day 10…FINALLY! _

Frodo and Sam (wise) who didn't seem wise to Frodo and Sméagol were unleashed from Faramir and his men's "wrath"_ (just wanted to put some suspense…sorry! AHEM!) _ They were walking around, until Gollum decided to go to the little "Sméagol room" as he quoted with his fingers. Of course, Sam rolled his eyes and received one of his "prized" pans in the face. (_By Frodo! DUH!) _And they finally realized, that Sméagol was planning to kill them…but ever since the quest started, they have caught this sulkiness (_most probably from Boromir!) _and therefore, they basically, D-I-D N-O-T care and concluded (_curses! Again with these big words) _that since the beginning, that they wanted a death wish. So, they just sighed and pretended not to listen to Sméagol (_which wasn't too hard for Sam) _and journeyed on into the barren wastelands of Mordor to "another place" as Sméagol quoted with his fingers yet again and smirked to himself. 

          Aragorn F-I-N-A-L-L-Y realizes that Ēowyn was VERY fond of him…or maybe F-L-I-R-T-I-N-G (_maybe Aragorn had the sun in his eyes or something…I guess that he forgot his shades and that he didn't notice her "new" mood! LOL! AHEM!) _Umm…Aragorn cleaning Andùril (_because of the Orc blood…duh!) _and she comes running out of the shelter with the women and children and she grabs him by the neck in a Rohirrim hug fashion (_little familiar eh?) _Poor Legolas is in the corner (_with no scratches!)_ and does the sad puppy face, along with Gimli. Since, Aragorn always gets the women…this makes Legolas angry, since he's THE best looking one, and yet, many women quote him hot, but Aragorn as a sexy beast. Legolas resumed to his "collecting all the used arrows from the corpses and clean them", while Gimli goes around in search of "magnificent" caves. 

          Ēomer ruffled Aragorn's hair after the Battle of Helm's Deep and complimented Strider (_Ēomer enjoyed calling him that.)_ about the amount of gel that he used in his hair. Of course, Aragorn was totally confused and said, "What gel?"  

O.K… enough! Now, to the diaries!!!!!!!!!!!

          The stinky-fishy scrap paper of Gollum

Day 10

          Come here…Come here…Sméagol wontsss kill yousss…Come here fishiessssss! Come here…

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          The totally-no-duh-Gondorian-leather-journal of Captain Faramir 

          Whohoooooooo! I finally beat my brother at something!!!! Despite the amount of time it took me to act drawn towards the One Ring, I made the little ones think that I was possessed! Wait a minute… DID I SAY LITTLE ONES !?!?!?!?!?!?! Whoa! I think that I caught my brother's disease or something. My men will miss the fun of wedgying that creature Sméagol. Hmm…I think that I should write back to daddy dearest now…

_Dear Father,_

_Umm…please send more men to Mordor, we're running out of "Super Duper Gondorian Ranger Arrows" and weapons too! For some odd reason, more are being wounded by accidentally sitting on arrows. I have learned about Boromir's wanderings. He fought bravely and was slain by Orcs. Oh well…he was a bit of a show off anyway! I wish that I were in his place (yeah, RIGHT!!!!) (Snort!) _

_          Love from your son,_

_                   Faramir_

_P.S. Did you find the Horn of Gondor yet!?!?!_

_P.P.S. Don't forget about the men!_

_P.P.P.S. And the weapons!_

_P.P.P.P.S. Almost forgot about the "Super Duper Gondorian Ranger Arrows"!_

_P.P.P.P.P.S. And some ointments…I think that I sat on an arrow! *OUCH!* _

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The la-di-da-lembas-smelling diary of Frodo, son of Drogo (_I finally remembered!) _

Day 10

AAGH! The left overs are making me more mad than the f#$%ing ring itself!!!!!!!!! Lembas, lembas, LEMBAS! Sam making a new recipe…Lembas stew…eww…starting to wonder if I should eat him instead. Decided not to, since he'd slow me down. He weighs more than the bloody burden itself!!!!!!! Whistling kettle on a hot stove! Starting to talk Australian! See what happens when you drink tea and stay with the crew and cast for 16 months!?!?!?! I'm sulking now…even more than…bloody hell I forgot his name!!!

Bowlmir? Bonemir? Boredmir? Bonkmir? Bowloffishmir? AAGH SCREW IT! 

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The cookbook (_I'm just kidding!) _of Samwise, son of Hamfast (_In the name of athelas, who would name their child with food and speed?) _

Day 10

Grr…why did Faramir keep us for so long! I appreciate the food, but I'll try my Lembas stew…it dried up into some yarnish form*takes a piece of the stew* FRODO! I discovered something! I discovered cotton candy!!!!!!!!!! Umm…it's slightly yellowish…but IT'S COTTON CANDY! I got to write this in my recipe book! 

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The 3000-or-whatever-old-dusty-and-yet-Elrond-dusts-it-and-oddly-enough-it-collects-dust-at-the-end-of-the-f%^&ing-day book of Elrond

Day 10

Hmm…*adjusts headband* I HATE THIS HEADBAND!!!!!!!!! Ahem…daughter crying in room…stopped about a day ago. Galadriel interrupted me yesterday, as I took a bath. Frightened…dropped my rubber ducky…WAAH! Ahem! Told me to send an army of Elves towards Helm's Deep…said blah, blah, blah! Something really boring that was in The Two Towers script and that the hobbit-like director gave to me. Anyways, daughter in a sulking and suicidal mood (which I think was from Boromir!) She's still in love with Aragorn. (Sighs) I regret telling her that he was going to die…she started to cry in Elvish. Sometimes, I'm evil…MWAH! HA! HA! HA! HA! I prevented Arwen from killing herself…since she was in a suicidal mood…and told her to put on a dark outfit and to go to someone's funeral. I'm now on the roof…hmm…pretty high over here! Oops! Dropped my elvish pen…good thing that I keep a spare!  

  


	10. Bombardment of Diaries!

**_*_**_Sniff!* sniff* This is my almost last chapter…hmm…*flips through calendar* The Return of the King is on December 17th…hm…thinking of doing a humor on the last movie I'll have to wait a while. *Sighs* (Shakes head and then rolls eyes) I despise waiting!!!!! I shan't tolerate this! _

_Disclaimer: Okay! You should get this tattooed to your foreheads! "I, Tárabrethil somehow a Gondorian and Elven do not own the trilogy of Lord of the Rings!" P.S. If you have enough space, add the star of Elendil too! _

_DAY 11_

The oh-crap-its-no-longer-the-la-di-da-fancy-smancy-book of Frodo, son of Droco…or was it Draco? 

Sam getting all high on cotton candy don't know how the hell he did it! *Sips tea* He's now running around and hitting himself with his "prized" pans. (Sighs) *sips tea* Getting addicted to this herbal tea that I found in my bag…I think Aragorn put it in my pouch. Sam doesn't know that I have this tea. SHIT! He's back to normal…NO! MINE! MY HERBAL TEA! (whacks Sam on the head with a pan) *sips tea* Stupid Sam! Is he insane?! Wants us to be discovered! *sips tea* 

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The cook book of Samwise, son of Pigfast…or was it Hamfast? Hamfoot?

I see stars…made out of cotton candy! *hits himself with pan* Wheeeeeee! This is fun! Twinkle Twinkle little cotton candy star! How I wonder what you taste like! High above the sky! Twinkle *shakes head* Frodo has tea!? Frodo! *gets hit by a pan* Twinkle, twinkle little cotton candy star! How I wonder… 

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The really-obvious-no-duh-Gondorian-leather-book-and-yet-Faramir-uses-it-as-a-diary of Captain Faramir

(Sigh) I...CAN'T...SIT!!! My @$$ hurts!! Mommy!! Owie! *sucks thumb* Good thing Boromir isn't here to see me like this! I CAN'T EVEN WALK PROPERLY!! BLOODY HELL!! (Sighs) *sips herbal tea* I kind of stole some tea from Frodo…I don't even think that he knew that he had some tea bags! *Sips herbal tea* I never knew that Tetley's tea taste so good! *Sips herbal tea* Too bad that I left some…it's such a waste of tea bags…I'll wrie to Daddy dearest again…hmm…

_          Dear Father (DADDY!)_

_Um…please send us some Tetley tea bags!_

_          Love,_

_                    Faramir_

_P.S. Did you find the Horn of Gondor yet?_    

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The yikes-my-eyes-are-blinded-by-the0light-from-the-super-duper-extremely-and-yet-shiny binder of Gandalf (The White!!!!!!!)

*Light come out of binder* Smoked weed that Aragorn provided for me! YAYYYYY! It's good to be alive! In Moria, I thought that I'd have to kiss my Istari @$$ goodbye!!! Oops!! Blinded Aragorn with my white binder! Sorry! Oops! Got to go and clean my teeth with Colgate complete! *Light goes out as the binder is closing* 

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The Orc-blood-stained-since-Helm's-Deep-battle-with-Lothlórien-green-background diary of Legolas, son of Thranduil or was it Thorongil…Thonguil?!?!?

*Sniff!* *sniff* My beautiful green Lothlórien diary is ruined!! Wait...why am I still writing in it?! Aragorn said that he'll buy me one as soon as he finds a Rohan gift shop...didn't know that those exist!! I hope that he gets one with a horsie on it! Wait! Did I say horsie?!?!?!? Why is Aragorn complaining about his eyes?!

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The dwarven-and-I-think-you-know-whose-this-one-is scrapbook of Gimli, son of Gloin…or was it Bloin?! Cloin?!

Just heard Aragorn screaming...something about his eyes...beats me! Anyways...I'm so grumpy! My axe chipped near the edge…I mean, yeah it's small, but when you're a small dwarf, forget it! It's too long to explain the importance of an axe to a helpless dwarf. DID I SAY HELPLESS DWARF?!          I must be out of my head! I'll go see some caves…if I can find any! Legolas promised me that he'd come with me. Where did that stupid pin-head Elf wander to? 

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The Took-Brandybuck-combined diary of the cousins Merry+Pippin 

Drank Entjuice…DAMN! Merry and I grew five inches! Hm…decided that we'd have afternoon tea…then dinner AND supper! **Why do you always think of food? **Shut up Merry! Doesn't Merry know that I'm a hobbit!? Hobbits clearly eat a minimum of seven meals a day! Hm…thinking of cooking mushrooms now. *searches through pack* **Oops! I kind of ate the last one! HE! HE! **Grr…Merry ate the last one! You #@$%@*&! 

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_This is the BEFORE last chapter…don't worry…I'm almost done with the last one! Continue reviewing!_  


	11. The final act!

Yay! A lot of reviews! I'm glad that I decided not to delete this…but this is the LAST one…I had a great time writing this first in a book that was "supposed" to be used for a diary…thus I got the idea of doing diaries. Just don't tell my parents that I wrote this in class! Enjoy!

Disclaimer:  Thanks…I appreciate the worshipping and the free stuff that I get, but...let me tell you this for the freakin' last time! I DO NOT OWN THE LORD OF THE RINGS TRILOGY! Get it!?!?!?!

The ranger-green book of Aragorn, son of Arathorn…or was it Acathorn?!?! (_why do I keep screwing up!?)_

(Sighs) I hope that Frodo found the Tetley tea bags. AAGH! My eyes! Gandalf is writing in his yikes-my-eyes-are-blinded-by-the-light-from-the-super-duper-extremely-and-yet-shiny binder! AAGH! MY EYES!!! *Runs into a wall* Arwen?!? Is that you?! Whoa! Imagining Arwen again…am I hallucinating or something?! Hm…I'll go find another twig!

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The prettiful-even-better- than-Legolas-no-offense diary of Galadriel 

*Rolls eyes* (Sighs) my grandson-in-law just smashed into a wall! Arwen is depressed! Everybody's having tea but me!!!! Having a disturbing picture of Elrond in his bathtub with his rubber duckier…EW!! Can't stand this!! Legolas complains about his diary, Gimli is sharpening his axe and searching for caves. Gandalf is f@#$%^& blinding everybody and Frodo's having tea!!! I WANT TEA!!!! What is wrong with these people!?!?!?! 

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The black diary of Arwen, daughter of Elrond _(at least I got that right!)_

*Sniff* Where did Estel go?!? In a suicidal depressed mood…I think that I caught it from Boromir! WAAH! *Sips tea* Mm...this tea is good! *Sips tea with pinky extended* Very good tea! I don't know what to do now…hm…thinking of going to a shrink! Am I that depressed because Aragorn left!?!?! I think that I'll go outside and play in the garden...right after Aragorn comes back! 

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The stupid-dull book of Elrond

*ADJUSTS HEADBAND AGAIN* I…HATE…THIS…HEADBAND! Ahem, daughter still sulking…okay! I'm sure that she got it from Boromir…that's it! I'm suing Denethor!!! Galadriel angry at me…complains about tea or something! What's all this about Tetley!?!?! *Rolls eyes* (Sighs) I do not approve of this matter!!! Arwen is in her room sulking AND sipping tea! Hm...I'll get some Tetley tea bags later...she might be addicted to it! *Rolls eyes* Estel...Aragorn just smashed into a wall...told him not to run in corridors and closed places when he was a child. Did he listen? Noooooooooo! *Rolls eyes*   

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The blue-horsy diary of Éowyn, daughter of Éomund...Éomound?!?

(Sighs) Look at Aragorn…*Aragorn smashes into wall* Oh dear! Aragorn is okay…(Sighs) this guy does he always get hurt!? First it's the cliff now this!!! Yet, I admire him for his ruggedness!! Oops! Accidentally tripped Aragorn! I guess that my foot was sticking out and he didn't seem to notice! This isn't his day! (Sighs) Uh oh! Brother walking around! I got to run!!!!!!!!!!   

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The grey-horsy Rohirrim book of Éomer, son of Éomund (_I think that's it!)_

Grr…my sister is flirting with my friend! I've got to talk to her…and…she stole my sword! Éowyn! (Sighs) Aragorn what the hell are you doing on the floor!?!?! I've got to find her! Grr…sometimes I wonder if she's crazy…duh, I already know the answer! *Rolls eyes* I've got to see if my horsy is okay…but…I want my sword!!!!!!!! *Sucks thumb*

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The blah-blah-blah diary of Wormtongue

Sss…my plan wasss foiled! Almost got killed! Yet…still alive! HA! HA! Saruman pissed off at me *whimpers* don't be angry! *Sips black evil tea* BLAH! This is nasty! Can't we get some reasonable tea here! ?!?!?! Why do the good guys always have the good tea?!?! Hmph! Sulking now...I have nothing else to do...nothing...blank...I could always start knitting! Then again... 

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The fiery-red book of Sauron

Grr...*Bends mind* I have a MIGRAINE!!! AAGH! (Mouth of Sauron drinks disgusting black evil tea) AAH! Much better! Ahem! My migraine is better! AAGH! There is something in my eye!!! Only a fly...I think that I need eye drops! Still…trying…to…find…my…precious…ring! *Bends mind* I can't find it! Mommy! (Mouth of Sauron sucks thumb) *sniff* my precious ring! It's mine! MINE! MINE! MINE! MINE! MINE! (Sighs) I really need a life! Or maybe a vacation…after I get the ring and destroy Middle-Earth!   

_Okay...you must be wondering what's with the characters sucking their thumbs and sipping tea...I guess that I was really bored in class and I had a headache and thought about tea...*Sips tea* ahh...hope that you all enjoyed it! If you have questions, or comments, e-mail me...my address is on my bio._

_TA! (Runs in the forest and slams into a tree) DARN! WHY DOES THIS ALWAYS HAPPEN TO ME!? _


	12. Closing of the curtainstear

Disclaimer: I uploaded a chapter from HP, and I checked out my reviews from my 1st LOTR, and I want to thank all of you for Reviewing! You are all great, and I promise to do something for the last one...*sniffles*  
  
So...here's a last...oh my valar...last chapter for all those who reviewed...I'll do my best...this one is of all the characters.  
  
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An-atrocious-now-orc-behind-smelling-diary-of-Aragorn-Estel-Strider-Elfstone-Dunedan-son-of-Arathorn  
  
After The Battle Of Helm's Deep...resting against a rock near the fallen enemies...  
  
Haldir died...*falls on knees* STELLA!!! *sniffles* He wasn't supposed to die...oh well...I'll just need to find another chubby elf as a friend. Can't be that hard to find one, right? RIGHT?!? Anyways...since I survived Helm's Deep, and got a t-shirt...*shows "I Survived Helm's Deep" t-shirt*, I am trying to find a name for me when I am going to be King. I know that I'm a bit advanced, but I can't think in the dark when I'll be going through the Paths Of The Dead. What kind of a King would I be to think at the last minute for a name?! Honestly! Grr...my toe is in bad shape after the battle, oh my valar! I shouldn't have kicked that orc helmet near Fangorn Forest, what a great example I am to be a future King?! Broke my toe...*sniff*. Maybe Eowyn could tend it for me...diary smells like the behind of an orc...I better get another one soon, since the smell of it is making me sick.Hmm...a name like Elendil...hmm...as you most probably know, my idol is Elendil. Elendil forever!  
  
Elessar? King Elessar!? Eowyn! You're a genius!!!!   
  
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The-diary-of-Legolas-son-Of-Thranduil-with-a-picture-of-himself  
  
After The Battle Of Helm's Deep...looking for contacts...  
  
Me like myself...me,me,me...after performing 10,735 daredevil stunts during the battle, and getting a t-shirt...*flashes "I Survived Helm's Deep" t-shirt*, no one will ever forget my beautiful face. Who in Middle-Earth could beat an ungodly-handsome elf like me?? That's no one...not even that stupid dwarf who smells the armpits of Uruk-Hais, named Gimli, who, since the beginning of the journey, that I had the desire to drop kick him. *sigh* If only I could do that now...but he's nowhere in sight...damn him! I could do it on a small child from Rohan, but it won't be the same. And besides, we elves are not cruel...well, okay, but just on ugly and smelly Uruk-Hais, goblins and other minions of Sauron. Has anyone seen one of my contacts?...oh dear, if anyone discovers that I actually don't have blue eyes, I might be banished...everyone here has blue or green eyes. Curses!!! Feeling a pout coming now...maybe I should collect my arrows from my fallen foes, but why do that? When I could make other ones! Oh! Very clever of you, Legolas! Yay for me!!!LEGOLAS FOREVER!!! *hugs self*  
  
~~~  
  
The-bring-your-pretty-face-near-my-axe-diary-of-Gimli-son-of-Gloin  
  
After The Battle Of Helm's Deep...stroking axe...  
  
Clean, wipe, sharpen and stroke...my after battle ritual! Keeping away from elf...by looking at him since the journey began, I sensed a desire from him of drop kicking me...*shudders* we dwarves may be short, but never...NEVER DROP KICK A DWARF!!! It is an omen of ours...and Aragorn broke one...to NEVER toss a dwarf!!! But drop kicking comes after tossing, so, I'm not in deep Uruk crap...after the battle, I was so overwhelmed, that I forgot the number of Uruk-Hais I killed...*sniff* and I counted! I have the memory of the...er...I forgot about that too! But...I...er...have the eyes of a wolf...or was it a fox...or was that for the ears?? Hm...oh no!! I am forgetting things!!! NO!! How could...but...what? who? where? when? how? I give up...*sniffles* How come everyone got a "I survived Helm's Deep" t-shirt and not me? Don't these people have dwarf sized t-shirts anymore!? Balin Forever...  
  
~~~  
  
The-diary-of-the-no-longer-banished-Eomer-son-of-Eomund  
  
After The Battle Of Helm's Deep...on horse and trying to look godly...  
  
Killed that one...and that one...and that one, and I think that I killed that one...I'll still count it! Hm...after getting my t-shirt *shows the "I survived Helm's Deep" t-shirt*, I am going to count more dead nasty Uruk-Hais, stand around on my big horse and look godly. And I better find my sister...*sigh* Eowyn, Eowyn, Eowyn...she must be furious that she didn't get to fight. Well, she could look on the bright side...she's going to get an "I Survived Helm's Deep" t-shirt. Okay...one...two...three...hmm. I'll just say that I killed about...*counts on fingers numerous times* 12,498 Uruk-hais...despite the fact that there were 10,000 strong, according to Aragorn...oh well...I could say that he doesn't know how to count...Helm's Deep is a mess, never really liked it...so dusty...so much for swiffering the place...one chore less to do. Hurrah!!!! Eorlingas Forever!!!!  
  
~~~  
  
The-diary-of-Eowyn-daughter-of-Eomund-and-niece-to-King-Théoden-who-is-the-father-to-  
  
her-dead-cousin-Théodred-but-who-cares-about-that-anyways-?-!-?  
  
After The Battle Of Helm's Deep...resting on a rock next to Aragorn, and gazing at him admiringly near the fallen enemies...  
  
*sigh* Aragorn...Aragorn...*sigh*...I got my t-shirt of "I Survive Helm's Deep", but still upset that I didn't get to kick any Uruk butt. Hm...glad to see that Lord Aragorn's alive...I never realized how damn sexy he looks when he's wet, bloodied, sweaty, rugged, and did I forget to mention wet and rugged?? *sighs* Aragorn, son of Arathorn, and Ele-- SSSSAAAAAAARRRRR!!!!!! *Uruk-hai gets up and menacingly limps towards Eowyn, who picks up a sword and hacks at the Uruk-Hai* *Ahem* Well, at least I killed one...why is Aragorn smiling now? What did I do??? ARAGORN FOREVER...*eyes shaped into pink hearts*  
  
~~~  
  
The-newly-updated-and-no-longer-grey-diary-of-Gandalf-the Grey-um-I-mean-White-!-!-!  
  
After the Battle Of Helm's Deep...polishing staff...  
  
Ahh...nothing can start a morning better than killing at least an enormous army of growling Uruk-Hais!I was given a t-shirt of "I Survived Helm's Deep", but I refused it, because it was grey. GREY!!! I was so insulted, that I ordered one that suited my color...white. So angry right now, my beloved staff is dirtied by mud and Uruk blood . Do you know how hard it is to clean something that is white!?!? DO YOU!?! *sighs* Well, at least Aragorn isn't dead...I mean, if he died, then I am screwed, okay, okay, as well as Middle-Earth...GANDALF THE WHITE FOREVER!!!  
  
~~~  
  
The-where-is-the-horse-?-where-is-the-rider-?-diary-of-King-Théoden-son-of-Thengel   
  
After The Battle Of Helm's Deep...looking at the damage that the explosives did...  
  
I knew that we were going to last the night...seriously I did! *crosses fingers behind back* hehehehe...well, okay, maybe I had a "little" bit of a doubt. At least I fought...*nods head* that's right...*sighs* My fathers are going to KILL me for ruining the refuge...but I didn't bring the explosives...no...so I won't be in deep trouble...this means one more task to do...rebuild the freakin' wall...but, WE HAVE A WAR TO FIGHT...screw this!!! But, it does need to be fixed...but...nah...why do that when we could just leave this refuge...yes...that does seem to be an excellent plan...very cunning of you, Théoden...yes...very...GO ME!! I mean...KING THéODEN FOREVER!!!  
  
~~~  
  
The-gnawed-diary-of-Frodo-Baggins-son-of-Drogo-and-was-removed-twice-from-Pippin's-mother-side-and-was-then-adopted-by-his-second-cousin-Bilbo-Baggins  
  
After walking and climbing around in circles...writing in diary...DUH!  
  
Precious...precious...precious...*strokes ring* hehehehehe...you see the ring before you die...I've seen the ring tons of times...and I'm still alive...I must be special...yes...oh precious!!! What's that? Yessssss...I love you too.*Ahem* Don't want to turn into Gollum, he has a swearing problem...*shudders* and besides...don't want to end up bald...no, no, no, no, no, no...and anyways...he DESPERATELY need a new wardrobe...I mean, hello-o-o? Wearing that rag around...I mean but on some clothes for the Valars' SAKE!!! I wish that I was back home...but nooooo...ignorant I was to say "What must I do." and "I will take it!" Grr...teed-off right now...go to go...Gollum talking gibberish again...and to himself!! What a loner...BTW...I'm not going to "hurrah" anyone...because its THEIR fault that I'm dragged into this mess! *glares at PJ and crew*  
  
~~~  
  
  
  
The-as-well-gnawed-diary-of-Samwise-Gamgee-son-of-Hamfast-Gamgee-who-lives-at-number-three-Bagshot-Row  
  
After walking and climbing around in circles...spying on Frodo...  
  
Frodo has gone obsessed with that ring...can't blame him...I am myself addicted...to Starbucks coffee...*drink Starbucks frappucino coffee* just can't get enough of it! *takes another sip* I just can't put it down now...and NO! I will never give it...NEVER!!!! Muahahahahahahahahahaha!! *takes another sip* *Ahem!* But...what Frodo's doing is not alright...well...okay...maybe being a coffee addict isn't good...but at least it won't make me go all into the darkness and all. *Sips frappucino* I don't trust that Gollum...he creeps me out...I mean, the critter has a lot of nerves to be wandering about with almost nothing on. I'd never do that...unless if you tempt me with a frappucino...that is...*sips coffee* STARBUCKS FOREVER!!!!  
  
~~~  
  
The-ripped-and-yellowed-notebook-of-Gollum-and-Sméagol  
  
hehehehehe...oh preciousssss! What are we going to do!? How in Middle-Earth are we going to getsss the preciousssss back?  
  
We'll...didn't I tell you already!?   
  
Yesssss...but...  
  
But WHAT!?!?!?!  
  
Oh nevermind!! I'd rather have those nassssty chipsss that that sssstupid fat hobbit wassss talking about than talk to you...  
  
WHAT!?!?!  
  
You heard me!   
  
Don't you know, that if it weren't for me, then we--  
  
Doessss this rag make me look a little too bony and wretched???  
  
No...it makessss you fat! You could be that fat hobbit'ssss wife!!!!  
  
TAKE THAT BACKSSSS!!!  
  
No!!!  
  
Go awaysss!  
  
Not thissss again!!!  
  
Go awayssss!  
  
You do realizessss that you ARE going to needssss me after...  
  
Go away! You meaniesssss! You bulliessss!!!! *cries*  
  
~~~  
  
The-WE-ARE-HOBBITS-!-!-!-CHILDFOLK-!-!-!-diary-of-Meriadoc-Brandybuck-son-of-erm...  
  
Clinging onto Treebeard, in order not to be blown away by the waters...  
  
WOW! What a beautiful view...well, alright, it's not THAT pretty to see something falling into ruin, but, atleast I'm not being attacked by raging Ents!*water splashes on Merry* Mmm...water...I was getting dehydrated there for a moment! OUCH! Painful splinters...curse these splinters! OUCH! *removes a splinter* Pip and I told PJ that we were clearly capable of running or jogging, in order to catch up with Treebeard...but nooooooooo! We had to be sitting and holding onto Treebeard for almost three ENTIRE hours!!!! *glares at PJ* OUCH! OUCH! *removes two other splinters* curses...DAMN SPLINTERS...OUCH!   
  
~~~  
  
The-what-about-second-breakfast-?-and-i-know-that's-old-but-i-couldn't-think-of-anything-!-!-diary-of-Peregrin-Took-son-of-ermII...  
  
Clinging onto Treebeard, in order not to be blown away from rushing waters...  
  
AAAAGH!! I'M GETTING WET!!! Alright...now I've learned two important lessons...1) first state that you are NOT an orc if ever meeting an Ent...and 2) never, NEVER get an Ent on its bad side! I feel like as if I'm soaked right now...got many splinters, since holding onto a tree for three hours straight...oh...wait! Not a tree...an Ent...so yeah...OUCH! *removes a splinter* This is going to take a while...OUCH!! SHIRE FOREVER!!!  
  
~~~  
  
YAY! Ok...I want to thank all those who wasted/took their time to review, even though that this was completely stupid!!!! So yeah...and I WILL be planning to do another one for Return of the King!   
  
*Remaining fellowship and characters look at each other*   
  
CAST: *gulp*  
  
Tarabrethil: O___O   
  
Special Thank You To:  
  
  
  
Indigo Star ((especially to you!!!))   
  
Addicted  
  
Kat  
  
FrodoFan  
  
Effie  
  
PinkMartini  
  
paris  
  
Belothien  
  
carrott  
  
gide  
  
I Love Beans  
  
wOLF8  
  
Eomer  
  
SangritaLolita  
  
Madeleine541  
  
Paris(Eomer)  
  
I want to thank all of you for encouraging me! Thanks a bunch! 


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